Thanks to anyone who reads and responds to what I write. A big part of the reason for writing is to be read. Another big part is to be understood. Sometimes one can't be sure one is correctly understood without response.

Without going into further specifics, it's obvious that certain situations have the ability to pick at the scab on an unhealed 35-year wound and this latest one has ripped it wide open. These people (not referring to any one group, just people like this) are not actually out to kill me. As far as they're concerned it's fine if I exist, as long as I live in some remote leper colony preferably in as much misery as possible. As far as giving up on sleep, forget about it. I lost enough on this last night to feel brain dead right now.

And, you know, my father's overemphasis on my admission to the school I attended in ninth grade was only half the problem and as far as I'm concerned, the minor half at that. The real problem was my inability to not be so great as to show them how wrong they all were. That's really the only, single, major problem of my entire life. That's what is riding on these books, particularly the first one.

As far as the subject of Ray Bradbury specifically, and me freaking out when I reached the successful portion of his life. I think I have to be very, very careful in my writing not to give kids the idea that if they don't have all their ducks in a row by age 30 (and Ray's life took off big time both professionally and personally at 26-27) they should just give up and shoot themselves. I know I got very worried about this starting around college graduation (age 24) and had huge panics at ages 31 and 36 over this very subject. I also don't want to give them the idea they can really be this good, if they are just determined enough, and have failed if they do not (either try hard enough, or do try and fail.) Even Ray didn't say this. Read "Any Friend of Nicholas Nickelby's is a Friend of Mine" and any number of other stories about how oddballs, misfits, and lesser lights made a place for themselves in the world. It's just that given the way western society in general and Americans in particular think, they will get this idea. Also not to expect all success to be meteoric and stellar like Ray's. (Yes, he put in years of work, but when he took off, he took off huge and simply never stopped.) I don't want some ten-year-old racing through this book, bounding off to do great things, and then coming back at 40 saying, "This book is a lie and a gyp! It said--" This is why I shudder, literally shudder, every time someone comes on the message board saying Ray inspired them to write, and almost never reply to those threads! Ray quite deliberately set out to become the greatest writer ever, and he achieved it, but what are the odds of so much as a tiny fraction of these poor deluded souls coming even close? So whatever I do say, it won't be that! In fact, I will have to be careful to stay positive and upbeat while avoiding promoting outright falsehoods.

I want kids to be able to recognize why the subject is special and use it to find the best things in themselves without feeling inferior or bad about themselves. This is how I have always related to Ray and (so far, despite fierce opposition) to Buster.

Well, the loss and sleep and general peace of mind come from being deemed unfit to associate with certain people, who may then poison certain others against me, and so it goes, till where it stops, nobody knows. Then there is just plain anxiety approaching panic, if I can't get a bad situation stopped. I have checked myself continually over the last four days in an almost hypochondriacal manner (wow, can't believe that's a word!) to make sure I haven't slid back down to pre-October levels--and desperately want to avoid doing so--which is exactly the problem. The harder I try on anything, the worse I do, and when I don't try, I sink into total lethargy. Very, very scary stuff.

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He looks sooo much like Billy Mumy in this picture! (Disregarding hair and eye color, of course!)

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It's bad enough being accused of having some sort of evil agenda when I am genuinely interested and trying to help contribute. These supposed sinister motivations on my part are always singled out from among many good intentions of mine, or entirely fabricated by those trying to discredit me. It really hurts being constantly subjected to this treatment when I do not ever, and never would, deliberately try to get anyone in trouble who did not do something to me first. (But, this has been going on since before I could talk. My earliest memory is of just such an incident.) Since it's the story of my life, however, I try to overlook it and proceed as normal. When I do speak out is when my words or actions are twisted into something I never did, said, intended, or would do! But at that point, all I am is indignant and provoked--as well as mystified that people would do this to me when I never would to them.

Unfortunately my attempts to proceed as normal snowball into disaster. Like Buster Keaton and the molasses sketch--he never gets mad at the shopkeeper for pouring molasses into his hat--he keeps trying to "fix it" till half the store is trashed. I try everything to accommodate people who insist on viewing my behavior as bad, when they are incapable of seeing their behavior is much worse, and I don't at all view my own behavior as bad but have learned to humor them in these beliefs. I wouldn't think of treating anyone that way for doing the exact same things I do or much worse. As I said, I have been patient to a fault on the Bradbury board even when members were yelling at me to censor certain comments entirely. And, like I said, over the years I've gotten used to being mowed down by cars and having my throat ripped out--not that I should even tolerate those things, but I do. It's being expected to take the blame for the mess caused by other people attacking me--and not only by the people who attacked me but by those in authority--that's what turns me into some hysterical sweating nervous wreck from The Twilight Zone, running down alleys screaming, "What's wrong with everybody here?" Is it any wonder that is one of my alltime favorite shows and one of the message boards where I have never had a problem? And, yes, I very much appreciate that Buster appeared on the TZ, and, I firmly feel, lived a good portion of his life in it. The one way I won't, and can't be like the characters he played is to ignore or even enjoy it. You won't catch me going to the store to buy six more hats so they can knock those off, or pour molasses in them, too. It's simply never going to happen. They have to own up to their own responsibility--not simply fall back on blaming me.

Just because I may appear to others to be "crazy" for running down alleys hysterically screaming, remember appearances can be very deceiving. Just a little lesson...from the Twilight Zone.

Well, the lady from the International Keaton Society finally answered and reads the newsgroup only occasionally--so probably doesn't know what's going on unless someone told her.

I don't know what to do. I can't afford to lose the money for the dues, and more importantly I can't afford to lose the interest be it through attacks or whatever, as I will be sent right back to where I was in October and worse--having lost something I really care about which lifted me out of fairly steady lethargy and despair.

The newsgroup owners aren't answering but then neither is the owner of the other group who I know is my friend so I dunno, I'm just lost here. I finally wrote the Society lady back just testing to see how much the Society may have in common with the newsgroup. Obviously, they probably just send out newsletters and so on with less human contact which would mean less difficulty--but it was the human contact which I in large measure wanted.

Well, this evening I sawBenny and Joon. By the way, I agree with whatever has been said about the overly hopeful ending. I can see what the film was trying to do--promote individuality, understanding, and hope for the mentally ill and pay tribute to the great silent comedians who still cheer and inspire audiences today, particularly Buster Keaton. Apparently there were some Chaplin references, but Keaton was pictured three times and mentioned by name at least once while the only Chaplin characteristic I could spot for sure was the main character, Sam, having a hat like his in a sequence for a trick where a Keaton hat wouldn't have worked. (Ah, but the bread roll dance, you say. Chaplin was famous for doing that with potatoes in The Gold Rush. I counter with the fact that Keaton came up with that years earlier, in The Rough House, an Arbuckle short for which Keaton was almost entirely responsible. Arbuckle performed the routine, and, yes, it was originally bread rolls.)

Incidentally, I think Depp did the bread roll dance as well or better than Arbuckle and Chaplin and also did the Keaton material quite well. He also managed to be "prettier" than Keaton in some ways without being as "handsome"--sorry, that's the best I can do to describe it. Maybe the sort of face that would appeal more to teenagers than adults but more than presentable. My mom called Depp "almost good-looking," which I found harsh. He was actually quite attractive, as I've thought since first seeing him over twenty years ago.

Quite frankly, the film was well-intended, well-acted, and even quite well done in places, right down to the music, and I ended up feeling sorry for the film as afterwards I was one step closer to suicidal depression than I was before watching it which was obviously not the intention and probably just the opposite. Benny and Joon made me see how even a very well-executed tribute done by professionals with social relevance in the story can still fall short of the original and it's a little hard even to say why let alone be sure not to fall into similar problems oneself. It left me in a state of slightly laughable despair.

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Dandy, I tried going back and finding in this thread the connections about attacks, rejections, Society, and newsgroups that are, apparently, putting you through major trials. I couldn't quite connect it all. This has been a very difficult year for me too in many ways.
But I, for this new year, wish you Godspeed with your research and writing efforts, financial security, peace of mind, and assurance that you are appreciated and loved!

Not all the details are there. Some of it is on Facebook, a lot is the same as here, with some which is not. I was trying my best to not be paranoid, put a positive spin on things, if things couldn't be spun positive ignore it and proceed as much as possible as normal. Things were going bad around December 22, someone started another group (but that was to help out a number of members scared to speak up, not to get rid of me) and they told me to go "gush" over there, so I did, but I continued posting serious, factual inquiries at the original group, thinking it would be fine dividing my time between the two groups.

Again I was told to go "gush" at the other group, for posting perfectly basic inquiries! I was also accused of drawing things out and arguing, this, after my questions were answered, I politely accepted the answers, and moved on, and other members who had it in for me brought the subjects back up for the sole purpose of making me look stupid, as if I were nitpicking, contradicting, and arguing.

I hung on and fought valiantly the very best I could. I think the only reason they didn't tell me never to speak to them again is they are hoping to collect dues for the Society--possibly for years as they must be able to see my interest is very strong. I want to be sure, though, not to be treated the same way there and have to pay for the privelege even if I could spare the money let alone with my limited funds.

I have been beaten back with heavy losses, flayed fleshless, and must now crawl off somewhere to bleed in relative peace. If I thought this were all there were to life I'd have pulled the plug long since, the trouble is they take what you do love and use it against you just enough to make the rest of your life miserable. I said at the outset I feared it would be this way but I gave it the best try I had. Happy New Year indeed.

Thanks for the good wishes, which other people sent, too, and if they were enough, I would be more than happy, but I gotta do things that may be impossible here.

Again, nothing to report. I am back and forth to my inbox at all hours of the day and night. As with this friend who periodically refused to speak, drove me crazy but I had to eventually admit was right, because when people do say bad things it will reverberate in your head forever--there was a very scary scene in Benny and Joon depicting just this--but the silence is killing me, too.

I'd like them not to blame me for everything, and to find something good to say about me, and not act as if I just deserve to be marched out and shot. It's hard to explain what's going on. I would rather work happy than unhappy but it looks as if I can't afford to wait to be happy and even if I start working it's not guaranteed, could be for nothing.

P. S. Those of you who are my Facebook friends, and I know Braling II is, I have posted some items to my profile not shared here. It's possible I may have shared too much at both places, but so far I've gained nothing by holding back so am going the opposite way.

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Well, I saw City Lights, which is supposed to be one of the essentials, on TCM Saturday evening.

It confirmed a number of things for me:

I'm never going to like Chaplin or anything he's in as much as Keaton anymore than I'll ever like Asimov as well as Bradbury (pretty much a no-brainer.)

A couple of more Chaplin references from Benny and Joon: definitely the cane, exactly like Chaplin's bamboo cane in City Lights rather than like Keaton's walking stick.

The top hat could be Chaplin or Keaton, but Keaton usually avoids it unless it's brand new and he's all dressed up, except in The Saphead where the hat got totally trashed--nothing in between that I can name. The shabbiness of the top hat seemed more Chaplin to me. Sam also had a flat Keaton hat, but not really a bowler with which Chaplin is most associated. The rest of the costume was more or less like both in one scene or another.

The thing where Benny went to help Sam up and Sam pretended their hands were stuck together--there was a sequence like that in City Lights. Keaton probably did something like it, too, but I can't say where.

As in Limelight, Chaplin starts out City Lights trying to help a suicidal person. I appreciate that sentiment and the way the rich guy he saved kept going all Jekyll and Hyde on him throughout the film--ain't that the truth! And then the butler doing the same, and without even the rich guy's excuse of alcohol!

The smartass younger newsboy reminded me soooo much of my dad. He was 13 in 1931, and within a few years he had both a paper route and a pea shooter--only, he didn't just shoot a tramp but the high school principal--also got in trouble for calling the principal a "Hitler" in the school paper. When I was in high school and he was trying to think of something comparable, well of course there was nothing--not until years later with Osama bin Laden was anything even close--lol, my dad got in a lot of trouble, a lot.

Another thing that slowly begins to dawn on me, was although Keaton is to me superior in every way to Chaplin, the public didn't appreciate this till late, the studios certainly didn't, and perhaps most significantly, Keaton simply didn't have Chaplin's ego or ability at self-promotion. One might say that Chaplin is a popular taste and Keaton a more refined one, but one might just as well say had Keaton had the edge that ego might have given him he may have done better...even though that lack of ego gives so much charm to his work. I dunno, but I gotta rethink this whole self-confidence thing. If I had just a slightly higher level I could do a lot more.

This explains why the "flat hat" did not look particularly out of place with the sailor uniform. It was not that different from the hat worn with the naval uniform known as "cracker jack."

Even moreso with the sailors of the Royal Na-vee. The sailors of the HMS Pinafore:

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My sister sent this to cheer me up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...re&fb_source=message

Nothing can stop a hungry honey badger...not swarms of bees or even a venomous cobra! It's pretty badass.

I am as much and more disappointed than upset. I only wanted to be with a group where I could be enthusiastic, accurate, and knowledgeable about the subject, learn and have fun at the same time, and I have been heaved into outer darkness as the most unspeakably diseased scabrous leprous pariah.

Anyhow, this helped somewhat--Van Gogh in his own words. By the way, accomplished historical research has shown that the two most destructive things for which Van Gogh was famous--cutting off his ear and shooting himself--he never did. It's been suggested if not proven the ear was cut off in a fight, and it's almost conclusive the shooting was done by accident by someone else. Van Gogh was both miserable enough, and kind and charitable enough, to take it as a blessing and cover up for those involved. As for what happened to him, it's what nice guys get in this world, but he left some good work nonetheless. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...QEA&feature=youtu.be

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dandelion, That youtube link didn't function for me. But I found theses two:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPQo4eSgZwU

And the second part:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?f...n&v=Zq5bEyoPO34&NR=1

My good mood has taken a royal tromping in the last 8 or 10 days so can't quite claim it lasted a full three months. I've not been beaten down to quite pre-October levels and am seeing what I can salvage.

quote:

Originally posted by Linnl:
dandelion, That youtube link didn't function for me. But I found theses two:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPQo4eSgZwU

And the second part:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?f...n&v=Zq5bEyoPO34&NR=1

A fascinating subject in any number of presentations, however, the one I posted was so outstanding I fixed the link.

Seriously, guys, take a look and tell me how I am supposed to NOT love this?



But the gauntlet has been thrown, and, it seems, won't be taken back. I must now prove I am worthy to love, what I already know I love! Bleah. I hate that. Takes half the fun out.

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